it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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