So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
