somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
