Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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