Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
