Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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