I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You pole danced in your parka.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
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