having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
whose ass print is on the piano?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
