I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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