Dignity is for republicans.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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