I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
