you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Randomize
