I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
