mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
