When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
