all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
