I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
