$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
