Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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