I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
