Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
