Where is the hickey?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
