I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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