I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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