what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize
