it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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