my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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