im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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