I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
