my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
