No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
