I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
