hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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