Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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