I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
