I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
