I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
i am craving dick and cupcakes
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