I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
