Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize