College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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