apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
