OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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