Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
