I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
