I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
