You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
