pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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