i wish starbucks made bloody marys
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
