eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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