I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
