god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
they're like a gay fantastic four
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm just crazy horny about you
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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