We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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