Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
