Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
